Area Man Receives Passive Aggressive Note From Roommate After Drinking All The Milk

by Ryan Gaston

Jeremiah Dodson arrived home Monday evening from work to find a piece of paper taped to the refrigerator with the hand writing of of his roommate, Isaac Hardley, filling the page from top to bottom. Eager to see what his roommate had left for him, he pulled the paper down and quickly found the note to be hostile in nature, and dripping with sarcasm.

It was not until he was finished reading that the true explanation of the note became clear to Dodson, the result of which being linked to Jeremiah drinking the last of the milk the night before, that Hardley had purchased, leaving Hardley to be forced to eat dry cereal for breakfast, to the fullest extent of the word.

“I’m really not sure what to make of this,” Dodson said, awe struck, as he scanned over the note for a second time. “This seems like it might be a joke, but I really can’t tell for sure.”

Some excerpts from the note include Hardley referring to Dodson as “a leech who never contributes anything, but takes everything,” as well as an instance where Hardley tells Dodson that he “doesn’t go shopping so you can have something to eat.” According to the note, such occasions are not uncommon, but apparently, it seems that Hardley has reached his breaking point. Other examples cited include a time when Hardley found an IOU in a chip clip, where his newly opened bag of Sun Chips had once resided, and also the return of a used condom that Dodson told him was still good to use, because he “didn’t finish.”

In response to the condom incident, Jeremiah says, “I’ve got to plead ignorance on that one. How was I supposed to know that girl I met wasn’t clean? Isaac will try to have you believe that I gave his girlfriend herpes, but I don’t see how that’s possible since the closest we’ve ever come to having sex was when I walked in on her in the shower. I really don’t think it’s my fault, at least not 100%."

When an offer was made to replace the milk by Dodson, Isaac replied, “Well, that would be a start in the right direction at least. I don’t really see how a gallon of milk can make up for everything else, but let’s just work with baby steps." Jeremiah agreed to try and do better in the future about being “that guy” all of the time, and do more to chip in. Hardley admits that he should have brought up his grievances long ago, but is just relieved to know that the situation is getting resolved now.

Jeremiah opted to cut the interview short to have time to go replace the milk, but stopped on his way out to ask Isaac, “Hey man, you think you could spot me a few bucks?”

Sensible Parents Ready To Admit Their Newborn Baby Is Not That Cute

by Ryan Gaston

Dennis and Charlotte Madsen recently fulfilled a lifelong dream of finally having a baby together. The loving couple was married in the summer of 2005, and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. However, their path to happiness has not been an easy one, as it was littered with obstacles all along the way such as a fear of ovarian cancer that has long run in Charlotte's family, moving across the country for business, and an accidental vasectomy in the winter of 2007 when Dennis’ chart was accidentally swapped for another patients’ by a nurse in training. Having overcome such seemingly insurmountable difficulties, the news could not have been better when their doctor finally confirmed to the couple that they were indeed pregnant. However, ten months after receiving the news that they had so long hoped for, the parents of one-month-old Allen Madsen have come to a dismaying realization: “We really aren’t that happy with him.”

The Madsen’s say that they rarely take Allen out in public so as to avoid people who are naturally drawn to look into a baby carriage, only to see their faces cringe, and then listen to them overcompensate by going on and on about how cute of a baby he really is. “We know he’s not cute,” Dennis says. “We are aware of the situation, and people who keep on about it only make it worse. Charlotte and I have come to terms with the fact that we have an ugly baby, and that there isn’t anything we can do... Believe me, we’ve checked.”

Right after Allen was born, the Madsen’s just took his distasteful appearance to be the result having just spent nine months trapped inside of a womb, but it was after the nurses cleaned Allen up and brought him back into the room after the mother had time to rest that their concern began to grow. “We asked the nurse if she was sure he was our baby,” Charlotte said. “We just couldn’t figure out how we could make something like that.” Despite the insistence of the nurse, the Madsen’s soon requested some blood work to be drawn up to confirm that this baby did in fact belong to them. After reviewing the results that proved that Allen was theirs, and that neither parent had any infidelities, the Madsen’s hung their heads and took their new baby home.

“Having a baby is just a huge undertaking,” Dennis said. “There is so much time, money, and love that goes into having one, and it’s hard to give him any of those things considering how he looks.”

When asked what they think about his future, the Madsen’s replied, “Well, we’ve been thinking about it, and we’re hoping that maybe he can land some kind of managerial job somewhere, like a department store or something. I mean, nothing with a lot of face time with people, but still something that pays well...” Charlotte continued, “Don’t get us wrong, we want him to be successful in life in whatever he does, but as it stands right now, we’re holding out on the chance that he’ll be really smart.”

Dude Bro Comes Up With New Plan To Help Penis Grow

by Ryan Gaston

Area ‘Dude Bro’ Cecil McAbrams has spent the better part of his life compensating. Be it either by religiously following the daily results of TRL, so as to have an eccentric taste in music, or by being the first in line to see the latest in the “_______ Movie” franchise (i.e., Scary Movie, Epic Movie, etc.), with hopes of being the first to memorize the next wave of hilarious one-liners to sweep the nation, Cecil McAbrams has always done his best to ensure people notice him. McAbrams is a frequenter of his local gym, where his relentless upper body workouts have finally resulted in his goal of a 52 inch chest, while somehow still managing to maintain a 28 inch waist.

Despite all these things, however, McAbrams’ penis is still the same size as it was before becoming a ‘Dude Bro,’ and he still is not receiving the amount of attention from the ladies as he had hoped for. As a result, Cecil has decided to undertake an exciting new venture that he is calling “fool proof”: turning his car into a rice burner.

“Who doesn’t love a rice burner?” McAbrams asks. “I mean, it’s just an awesome thing to do to your car, and it always turns heads. The ladies love it. It’s a total panty dropper. Right, braugh?” When asked where the inspiration for this latest idea to increase his penis size came from, McAbrams cited his favorite classic movie of all time: The Fast & The Furious. “It gave me a lot of ideas, like maybe some ground effects, or some flames painted on the hood, and, like, a huge spoiler on the back, right braugh? Then I’m thinking about getting, like, a huge muffler to put on the back so EVERYONE can hear me coming,” he says with a laugh. “It’s gonna be sick, braugh!”

An example of what Cecil is hoping to convert his car into.

After going over several of his ideas, and asking for a high five after every one that came to mind, the cost of this roundabout endeavor of making his penis bigger began to sink in to Cecil. “I dunno, I guess I’ll just have to put things like hair gel and trips to Hollister on hold. I mean, there’s this new Ed Hardy shirt that I’ve been wanting to get that’s pretty rad that I might have to spring for. It’s got, like, a skull and eagle on it, but then there’s like this mermaid riding on a bobcat holding a torch with a handle made out of snake skin, and it has a frozen flame that is burning fire and ice. Sounds awesome, right?” he asked, once again raising his hand for another high five. “Yeah, there’s no way I can’t go get that shirt, dude. Girls go crazy for Ed Hardy stuff, right, braugh?”

When asked about some of his past trials to help pick up girls, which allegedly all failed, Cecil explained, “I grew my hair long, and nothing, braugh. Then I cut it short. Nothing. I’ve used every kind of hair gel I can get my hands on, and nothing does it.” He continued on, “This sea shell neckless had no effect at all,” he said referring to the white shells wrapped around his neck that is held together by some thin rope. “Then I got this witty trucker hat and stuck a fish hook on the bill, and still nothing. I just don’t get it, braugh.” Cecil went on to tell stories of hundreds of dollars spent at Abercrombie on tattered jeans and polo shirts, hours spent at the gym along with regular steroid usage, and most depressing of all, memorizing every line spoken by Tom Cruise from ‘Top Gun,’ none of which helped his penis to grow even an inch. “After winning dozens of games of beer pong did nothing for me, I realized I needed to go big, braugh. So now, I’m putting it all on the line here with this car, and you know why?!” he asked enthusiastically. “Because all I need... Is the need for speed!

HIGH FIVE, BRAUGH!!!”

Sexual Predator Forced Into Early Retirement

by Ryan Gaston

With a record going back over 15 years, spanning across 7 states, and with over two dozen arrests to his credit, Keith Hale is finally retiring from his career as a sexual predator.

Creeping in Michigan:

Hale in 2008

In the past, Hale has been found guilty of a wide range of offenses, from Peeping Tom-ism to Indecent Exposure. He has also been terminated from at least four different jobs as a result of

sexual harassment based charges.

While his statistics are impressive enough on their own, Hale adds:

“I’ve done a lot of work off the record that I’m proud of as well.”

Hales’ long and illustrious career most notably began the semester following his high school graduation. Hale reportedly used the money he received for graduation to buy a used early 90s utility van with tinted windows only on the front doors, and began showing up randomly at various high school functions like fundraisers and sporting events. This eventually progressed into waiting in the parking lot at the end of the day when classes let out, and watching students walk to their cars.

“Yeah, I remember seeing him,” says Kelly Holland, a graduate the year following Hale. “He would just sit in the parking lot with his van idling every afternoon, and so I always thought he was just offering to give people a ride home...” Holland added, “I worked as an aide in the counselors’ office my senior year, and a few times I’d see girls come in a day or two after noticing them talking to him in the parking lot, but I didn’t think anything of it. Plus, we weren’t allowed to ask what they had come in for anyway.”

Eventually Hale was barred from coming to the high school, or any high school related function. “Yeah, I remember getting that first restraining order like it was yesterday,” Hale said nostalgically. “That’s the one that started it all.”

In the years that followed Hale found his popularity growing wildly as his face began showing up on numerous websites, and in databases all across the country. “You get to meet a lot of people, you know? I mean, every time I would move to a new neighborhood, I always went to introduce myself to all the new neighbors, just to say hello, and tell them a little about myself. It was fun, meeting new people and everything, but I found that people aren’t always as open and friendly as I am. That’s partly why I ended up having to move around so much.”

Community events such as this were a

constant place find Hale lurking about.

When asked about what ultimately made him decide that it was time to retire, Hale just shrugged and smiled, not really giving a direct answer, but simply saying that the idea of retirement came from a long time acquaintance, Sheriff Louis Garrett.

“Sheriff [Garrett] had told me for quite some time that the end was near, and he was right. I just didn’t want to believe it,” Hale tells us over the phone while staring blankly through the thick plexiglass that separated the other side of the room. Hale then continued, as if reflecting on his past triumphs, “After a while, you just lose track of it all. But still, I think I’ve done pretty well for myself… I realize that there’s still plenty left that I could accomplish, but looking back, I know that I’ve done my best, and I’m content with that.”

The interview was then cut short as Hale was escorted from the phone room, and reportedly back to solitary confinement.

Local Area Vagabond Surfs “Crucial” Fox Turd For Third Day Straight

Refuses to Leave Boardwalk, Citing Alleged Fame.















Story and Reporting by Andon Whitehorn
Photo Credits: Lost Weight Now I’m Not Ugly Photography

Record waves are crashing along the coast Lawdington Beach in Lulz County, Oregon, the likes of which denizens have never seen. Imagine, if you will, a series of riptides, with the way they move away and towards the beach. Now imagine them reaching nearly a quarter-acre into the sky, and stretching for what seems like literal miles, these waves appear to – amazingly – roll in place. Imagine, again, a lone man surfing masterfully atop the crest of these waves. Shouting incomprehensibly to the sky, one might think him the creator of such colossal breakers.
These assumptions would be correct (read: imaginary.) Sporting a mess of curls, necklaces made of mantric beads, and proclaimed “Terminator shades” and “short shorts,” this legendary surfer – Terry Blythe-Hart III – has not gone near the water in days - at least not in reality. Standing in a mess of fox feces of unknown origin, Blythe-Hart III is riding on an envisioned perpetual motion machine, fueled by a psychedelic mushroom bender from days prior. Blythe-Hart III could not be reached for comment when we tried to reveal to him his true whereabouts.
“I’d say I could ride this thing for about…ever….” It may not make much sense, but this is a typical response from the benign Blythe-Hart III. When asked how he knew he has been cutting this wave of his, he hauntingly answers “intuition,” as his grip tightens on his treasured “documents.” Included, is an old issue of Nintendo Power, as well select pages from what appears to be an issue of Auto Trader and various ads for local restaurants – all of it marred with red circles and illegible writings of a man clearly “off his fucking rocker.” “Do you, uh...” Terry begins, before losing himself in a haze of enlightenment.

“Jawsome!” - Blythe-Hart III

Frequenters of the boardwalk have become increasingly concerned by the ever-present Blythe-Hart III, who - for the aforementioned three days - has stood in the exact same place. The public has called for the police to step in and lend a hand, but local law enforcement says that their hands are tied. Citing that Blythe-Hart is neither endangering anyone, nor being destructive to property, they have no grounds on which to detain him. Police Chief Stanley Christiansen tells us, “We can’t arrest someone who is posing no threat to the public, solely for creeping the ‘begeezus’ out of people… but if we could….”
Banging pots – not always the best option.


Due to the lack of police action, local business owners have taken matters into their own hands, and are approaching the “Blythe-Hart situation” with methods similar to those of Mao Zedong’s “Great Sparrow Campaign” of the late ‘50s and early ‘60s. However, banging pots and pans only a few feet away from Blythe-Hart III has simply caused him to mumble “I understand completely,” or – more commonly – an awe-inspired “righteous.”
These responses are often accompanied by I-get-it-type smiles, and the occasional reference to his housemates, who include Hangout, Mr. Macintosh, and Strong Arm, amongst others. While the legitimacy of these names is in question, there has been enough evidence gathered by attempted communications with Blythe-Hart III to validate their existence – though no one has ever seen him (Terry) entering or leaving the boardwalk. “He’s like the sound of an air conditioning unit,” quips Martha Delaney, owner of the Raffi Taffy Childhood Confectionery Outlet, “you don’t really notice it [Blythe-Hart III] until it’s gone.

“I know an internet or two....” – Blythe-Hart III

The occasional swagger from Blythe-Hart III gives hope to worried shop owners, but this is par for the expectations (or lack thereof,) of the “quiet riot,” as some have come to know him. Some have even come to accept him, citing an increase in tourism revenue during the summer months, or rather any month. “After a while, you kinda’ start to grow fond of ‘im. He never hurt no body,” claims Jared Columbian, a resident of Lawdington Beach, “and he’s great for takin’ pictures; he never moves.” He [Blythe-Hart III] is not without his uplifting moments, offering us this final gem:
“You haven’t lived a hard life,” Blythe-Hart III explains, tilting his sunglasses down his nose, ”until you’ve lived life hard.”

Co-Workers Endure Months Of Victimization At Hand Of Fellow Employee

By Ryan Gaston

Employees at the office of Silotech International have been the victims of multiple attacks over the last few months from a fellow office mate named Kenny Hytner. The attacks, however, have not been violent, but instead Hytner has aggressively forced his high opinion of the movie “Role Models” on anyone foolish enough to engage him in a conversation. Beginning last November when the film was released in theaters, Hytner used every opportunity he could to discuss his favorite parts of the movie, and explain, in detail, the best jokes, and why they were funny. Hytner used such means as email, inter-office phone calls, and surprise pop-ins to ambush people who were quietly working at their desks giving them no chance to get away, all the while insisting to his co-workers that they go see “the funniest movie I’ve seen since ‘Without A Paddle.’”

Ross Gants, a long time sufferer of Hytners’ relentlessness tells us “One of the most annoying parts for me at least is that I know more about the movie than [Hytner] does, and I haven’t seen it yet. When he tells people about the movie, he only refers to the actors by the movies they’ve already been in, not their real names, or even the names of their characters. So when he tells me about what ‘Stifler’ did or simply ‘that one guy,’ I know he’s talking about Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd.”

When asked if he thought he would ever see the movie, after hearing the plot and jokes recited day after day, Gants shrugged.

“He has only gotten worse since the movie came out [on video],” Gants added. “I’m pretty sure he goes home and watches it every night after work so he can come back in the morning and butcher lines from a movie that no one else in the office has seen. And it sucks, because at one time I really wanted to see the movie, but after hearing about how great it is for the past month, I’d be okay if I never saw another movie with ‘that guy from the movie with ‘The Rock’ in it’ again.”

One of the newest employees at Silotech, Ethan Richards tells us that it was only his second day when he was ambushed by by Hytner in the break room. “I didn’t know what to do. All of a sudden this guy I’ve never talked to is asking me what kind of sense of humor I have, and then goes off about a ‘Whispering Eye’ for the next fifteen minutes. I decided I’m going to start taking my lunch at my desk from now on.” Richards adds with the sound of defeat in his voice, “but I know that probably won’t stop him. I heard that when ‘Norbit’ came out, he did the same thing. I’m really glad I wasn’t here for that one.”

Sources tell us that before going crazy about ‘Role Models’ Hytner talked non-stop about ‘Norbit’ which was preceded by ‘Meet The Spartans.’

All of the employees at Silotech feel that they are in a lose-lose situation as well, because if they see the movie in hopes that Hytner will finally let it go, they run the risk of striking up a whole new conversation with him about it, but if they take a stand on not seeing the movie altogether, they worry that his rants will never stop. A woman in the office who asked to remain anonymous tells us that after weighing those two options against one another she finally rested on what the best solution would be, “I was on my way to put in my two weeks when you stopped me.”

When finally getting a chance to talk to Hynter, every question we asked him was followed up with a ten-minute explanation about how it reminded him of ‘Role Models.’ As it turns out, Hytner had a girlfriend who left him after watching ‘Role Models’ together, which is “just like what happens to the guy in the movie, except, in the movie she comes back.”

Local Hero Goes Out In Blaze Of Irony

By Ryan Gaston

Monday evening in a fateful attempt to follow the old creed of “Do something new every day,” as well as Eleanor Roosevelt’s infamous quote “Do something every day that scares you,” Ryan Gaston attempted to light an extinguished pilot light on the water heater in his Oklahoma City home for the first time in his life. The end result was not pleasant. The water heater was burned beyond recognition and will have to be replaced, along with the small room attached to the back of the house where Gaston lived which also burned before fire trucks arrived on the scene to extinguish the flames. Also, Gaston was killed.

Though he had never officially set up his wishes for what he wanted done with his body in the event of an untimely death, on more than one occasion he had been known to say that he had no desire to be cremated; however, funeral directors are suggesting to the parents that they just finish the job that Gaston himself has started. Those who were close to Gaston say that this is just the kind of irony that he would have loved. “Wherever he is now,” says roommate and best friend, Scott Michael, “he’s really getting a good laugh about this.”

Co-worker Tara Yancy added, “He always made jokes about how he was worried about getting fired, but I doubt he ever had this in mind.”

“If there is one regret he might have about his death, aside from the fact that it happened,” adds roommate, Michael, “it would probably be that he went out in a way so closely related to the plot of a Michael Bay movie.”

When asked how he planned to cope with the loss of his roommate and long-time friend, Michael said “I’ll probably have to move out of the house. You know? It would just be too hard living here without him, there’s just no way that I could make the rent every month.”

Scott Michael went on to say that he and his band, award-winning local music group, Hush Hush Commotion, will play a benefit show to help raise awareness about water heaters, and the threat they pose to society.