Sensible Parents Ready To Admit Their Newborn Baby Is Not That Cute

by Ryan Gaston

Dennis and Charlotte Madsen recently fulfilled a lifelong dream of finally having a baby together. The loving couple was married in the summer of 2005, and have been trying to get pregnant ever since. However, their path to happiness has not been an easy one, as it was littered with obstacles all along the way such as a fear of ovarian cancer that has long run in Charlotte's family, moving across the country for business, and an accidental vasectomy in the winter of 2007 when Dennis’ chart was accidentally swapped for another patients’ by a nurse in training. Having overcome such seemingly insurmountable difficulties, the news could not have been better when their doctor finally confirmed to the couple that they were indeed pregnant. However, ten months after receiving the news that they had so long hoped for, the parents of one-month-old Allen Madsen have come to a dismaying realization: “We really aren’t that happy with him.”

The Madsen’s say that they rarely take Allen out in public so as to avoid people who are naturally drawn to look into a baby carriage, only to see their faces cringe, and then listen to them overcompensate by going on and on about how cute of a baby he really is. “We know he’s not cute,” Dennis says. “We are aware of the situation, and people who keep on about it only make it worse. Charlotte and I have come to terms with the fact that we have an ugly baby, and that there isn’t anything we can do... Believe me, we’ve checked.”

Right after Allen was born, the Madsen’s just took his distasteful appearance to be the result having just spent nine months trapped inside of a womb, but it was after the nurses cleaned Allen up and brought him back into the room after the mother had time to rest that their concern began to grow. “We asked the nurse if she was sure he was our baby,” Charlotte said. “We just couldn’t figure out how we could make something like that.” Despite the insistence of the nurse, the Madsen’s soon requested some blood work to be drawn up to confirm that this baby did in fact belong to them. After reviewing the results that proved that Allen was theirs, and that neither parent had any infidelities, the Madsen’s hung their heads and took their new baby home.

“Having a baby is just a huge undertaking,” Dennis said. “There is so much time, money, and love that goes into having one, and it’s hard to give him any of those things considering how he looks.”

When asked what they think about his future, the Madsen’s replied, “Well, we’ve been thinking about it, and we’re hoping that maybe he can land some kind of managerial job somewhere, like a department store or something. I mean, nothing with a lot of face time with people, but still something that pays well...” Charlotte continued, “Don’t get us wrong, we want him to be successful in life in whatever he does, but as it stands right now, we’re holding out on the chance that he’ll be really smart.”

Dude Bro Comes Up With New Plan To Help Penis Grow

by Ryan Gaston

Area ‘Dude Bro’ Cecil McAbrams has spent the better part of his life compensating. Be it either by religiously following the daily results of TRL, so as to have an eccentric taste in music, or by being the first in line to see the latest in the “_______ Movie” franchise (i.e., Scary Movie, Epic Movie, etc.), with hopes of being the first to memorize the next wave of hilarious one-liners to sweep the nation, Cecil McAbrams has always done his best to ensure people notice him. McAbrams is a frequenter of his local gym, where his relentless upper body workouts have finally resulted in his goal of a 52 inch chest, while somehow still managing to maintain a 28 inch waist.

Despite all these things, however, McAbrams’ penis is still the same size as it was before becoming a ‘Dude Bro,’ and he still is not receiving the amount of attention from the ladies as he had hoped for. As a result, Cecil has decided to undertake an exciting new venture that he is calling “fool proof”: turning his car into a rice burner.

“Who doesn’t love a rice burner?” McAbrams asks. “I mean, it’s just an awesome thing to do to your car, and it always turns heads. The ladies love it. It’s a total panty dropper. Right, braugh?” When asked where the inspiration for this latest idea to increase his penis size came from, McAbrams cited his favorite classic movie of all time: The Fast & The Furious. “It gave me a lot of ideas, like maybe some ground effects, or some flames painted on the hood, and, like, a huge spoiler on the back, right braugh? Then I’m thinking about getting, like, a huge muffler to put on the back so EVERYONE can hear me coming,” he says with a laugh. “It’s gonna be sick, braugh!”

An example of what Cecil is hoping to convert his car into.

After going over several of his ideas, and asking for a high five after every one that came to mind, the cost of this roundabout endeavor of making his penis bigger began to sink in to Cecil. “I dunno, I guess I’ll just have to put things like hair gel and trips to Hollister on hold. I mean, there’s this new Ed Hardy shirt that I’ve been wanting to get that’s pretty rad that I might have to spring for. It’s got, like, a skull and eagle on it, but then there’s like this mermaid riding on a bobcat holding a torch with a handle made out of snake skin, and it has a frozen flame that is burning fire and ice. Sounds awesome, right?” he asked, once again raising his hand for another high five. “Yeah, there’s no way I can’t go get that shirt, dude. Girls go crazy for Ed Hardy stuff, right, braugh?”

When asked about some of his past trials to help pick up girls, which allegedly all failed, Cecil explained, “I grew my hair long, and nothing, braugh. Then I cut it short. Nothing. I’ve used every kind of hair gel I can get my hands on, and nothing does it.” He continued on, “This sea shell neckless had no effect at all,” he said referring to the white shells wrapped around his neck that is held together by some thin rope. “Then I got this witty trucker hat and stuck a fish hook on the bill, and still nothing. I just don’t get it, braugh.” Cecil went on to tell stories of hundreds of dollars spent at Abercrombie on tattered jeans and polo shirts, hours spent at the gym along with regular steroid usage, and most depressing of all, memorizing every line spoken by Tom Cruise from ‘Top Gun,’ none of which helped his penis to grow even an inch. “After winning dozens of games of beer pong did nothing for me, I realized I needed to go big, braugh. So now, I’m putting it all on the line here with this car, and you know why?!” he asked enthusiastically. “Because all I need... Is the need for speed!

HIGH FIVE, BRAUGH!!!”