Local Area Vagabond Surfs “Crucial” Fox Turd For Third Day Straight

Refuses to Leave Boardwalk, Citing Alleged Fame.















Story and Reporting by Andon Whitehorn
Photo Credits: Lost Weight Now I’m Not Ugly Photography

Record waves are crashing along the coast Lawdington Beach in Lulz County, Oregon, the likes of which denizens have never seen. Imagine, if you will, a series of riptides, with the way they move away and towards the beach. Now imagine them reaching nearly a quarter-acre into the sky, and stretching for what seems like literal miles, these waves appear to – amazingly – roll in place. Imagine, again, a lone man surfing masterfully atop the crest of these waves. Shouting incomprehensibly to the sky, one might think him the creator of such colossal breakers.
These assumptions would be correct (read: imaginary.) Sporting a mess of curls, necklaces made of mantric beads, and proclaimed “Terminator shades” and “short shorts,” this legendary surfer – Terry Blythe-Hart III – has not gone near the water in days - at least not in reality. Standing in a mess of fox feces of unknown origin, Blythe-Hart III is riding on an envisioned perpetual motion machine, fueled by a psychedelic mushroom bender from days prior. Blythe-Hart III could not be reached for comment when we tried to reveal to him his true whereabouts.
“I’d say I could ride this thing for about…ever….” It may not make much sense, but this is a typical response from the benign Blythe-Hart III. When asked how he knew he has been cutting this wave of his, he hauntingly answers “intuition,” as his grip tightens on his treasured “documents.” Included, is an old issue of Nintendo Power, as well select pages from what appears to be an issue of Auto Trader and various ads for local restaurants – all of it marred with red circles and illegible writings of a man clearly “off his fucking rocker.” “Do you, uh...” Terry begins, before losing himself in a haze of enlightenment.

“Jawsome!” - Blythe-Hart III

Frequenters of the boardwalk have become increasingly concerned by the ever-present Blythe-Hart III, who - for the aforementioned three days - has stood in the exact same place. The public has called for the police to step in and lend a hand, but local law enforcement says that their hands are tied. Citing that Blythe-Hart is neither endangering anyone, nor being destructive to property, they have no grounds on which to detain him. Police Chief Stanley Christiansen tells us, “We can’t arrest someone who is posing no threat to the public, solely for creeping the ‘begeezus’ out of people… but if we could….”
Banging pots – not always the best option.


Due to the lack of police action, local business owners have taken matters into their own hands, and are approaching the “Blythe-Hart situation” with methods similar to those of Mao Zedong’s “Great Sparrow Campaign” of the late ‘50s and early ‘60s. However, banging pots and pans only a few feet away from Blythe-Hart III has simply caused him to mumble “I understand completely,” or – more commonly – an awe-inspired “righteous.”
These responses are often accompanied by I-get-it-type smiles, and the occasional reference to his housemates, who include Hangout, Mr. Macintosh, and Strong Arm, amongst others. While the legitimacy of these names is in question, there has been enough evidence gathered by attempted communications with Blythe-Hart III to validate their existence – though no one has ever seen him (Terry) entering or leaving the boardwalk. “He’s like the sound of an air conditioning unit,” quips Martha Delaney, owner of the Raffi Taffy Childhood Confectionery Outlet, “you don’t really notice it [Blythe-Hart III] until it’s gone.

“I know an internet or two....” – Blythe-Hart III

The occasional swagger from Blythe-Hart III gives hope to worried shop owners, but this is par for the expectations (or lack thereof,) of the “quiet riot,” as some have come to know him. Some have even come to accept him, citing an increase in tourism revenue during the summer months, or rather any month. “After a while, you kinda’ start to grow fond of ‘im. He never hurt no body,” claims Jared Columbian, a resident of Lawdington Beach, “and he’s great for takin’ pictures; he never moves.” He [Blythe-Hart III] is not without his uplifting moments, offering us this final gem:
“You haven’t lived a hard life,” Blythe-Hart III explains, tilting his sunglasses down his nose, ”until you’ve lived life hard.”

Co-Workers Endure Months Of Victimization At Hand Of Fellow Employee

By Ryan Gaston

Employees at the office of Silotech International have been the victims of multiple attacks over the last few months from a fellow office mate named Kenny Hytner. The attacks, however, have not been violent, but instead Hytner has aggressively forced his high opinion of the movie “Role Models” on anyone foolish enough to engage him in a conversation. Beginning last November when the film was released in theaters, Hytner used every opportunity he could to discuss his favorite parts of the movie, and explain, in detail, the best jokes, and why they were funny. Hytner used such means as email, inter-office phone calls, and surprise pop-ins to ambush people who were quietly working at their desks giving them no chance to get away, all the while insisting to his co-workers that they go see “the funniest movie I’ve seen since ‘Without A Paddle.’”

Ross Gants, a long time sufferer of Hytners’ relentlessness tells us “One of the most annoying parts for me at least is that I know more about the movie than [Hytner] does, and I haven’t seen it yet. When he tells people about the movie, he only refers to the actors by the movies they’ve already been in, not their real names, or even the names of their characters. So when he tells me about what ‘Stifler’ did or simply ‘that one guy,’ I know he’s talking about Sean William Scott and Paul Rudd.”

When asked if he thought he would ever see the movie, after hearing the plot and jokes recited day after day, Gants shrugged.

“He has only gotten worse since the movie came out [on video],” Gants added. “I’m pretty sure he goes home and watches it every night after work so he can come back in the morning and butcher lines from a movie that no one else in the office has seen. And it sucks, because at one time I really wanted to see the movie, but after hearing about how great it is for the past month, I’d be okay if I never saw another movie with ‘that guy from the movie with ‘The Rock’ in it’ again.”

One of the newest employees at Silotech, Ethan Richards tells us that it was only his second day when he was ambushed by by Hytner in the break room. “I didn’t know what to do. All of a sudden this guy I’ve never talked to is asking me what kind of sense of humor I have, and then goes off about a ‘Whispering Eye’ for the next fifteen minutes. I decided I’m going to start taking my lunch at my desk from now on.” Richards adds with the sound of defeat in his voice, “but I know that probably won’t stop him. I heard that when ‘Norbit’ came out, he did the same thing. I’m really glad I wasn’t here for that one.”

Sources tell us that before going crazy about ‘Role Models’ Hytner talked non-stop about ‘Norbit’ which was preceded by ‘Meet The Spartans.’

All of the employees at Silotech feel that they are in a lose-lose situation as well, because if they see the movie in hopes that Hytner will finally let it go, they run the risk of striking up a whole new conversation with him about it, but if they take a stand on not seeing the movie altogether, they worry that his rants will never stop. A woman in the office who asked to remain anonymous tells us that after weighing those two options against one another she finally rested on what the best solution would be, “I was on my way to put in my two weeks when you stopped me.”

When finally getting a chance to talk to Hynter, every question we asked him was followed up with a ten-minute explanation about how it reminded him of ‘Role Models.’ As it turns out, Hytner had a girlfriend who left him after watching ‘Role Models’ together, which is “just like what happens to the guy in the movie, except, in the movie she comes back.”

Local Hero Goes Out In Blaze Of Irony

By Ryan Gaston

Monday evening in a fateful attempt to follow the old creed of “Do something new every day,” as well as Eleanor Roosevelt’s infamous quote “Do something every day that scares you,” Ryan Gaston attempted to light an extinguished pilot light on the water heater in his Oklahoma City home for the first time in his life. The end result was not pleasant. The water heater was burned beyond recognition and will have to be replaced, along with the small room attached to the back of the house where Gaston lived which also burned before fire trucks arrived on the scene to extinguish the flames. Also, Gaston was killed.

Though he had never officially set up his wishes for what he wanted done with his body in the event of an untimely death, on more than one occasion he had been known to say that he had no desire to be cremated; however, funeral directors are suggesting to the parents that they just finish the job that Gaston himself has started. Those who were close to Gaston say that this is just the kind of irony that he would have loved. “Wherever he is now,” says roommate and best friend, Scott Michael, “he’s really getting a good laugh about this.”

Co-worker Tara Yancy added, “He always made jokes about how he was worried about getting fired, but I doubt he ever had this in mind.”

“If there is one regret he might have about his death, aside from the fact that it happened,” adds roommate, Michael, “it would probably be that he went out in a way so closely related to the plot of a Michael Bay movie.”

When asked how he planned to cope with the loss of his roommate and long-time friend, Michael said “I’ll probably have to move out of the house. You know? It would just be too hard living here without him, there’s just no way that I could make the rent every month.”

Scott Michael went on to say that he and his band, award-winning local music group, Hush Hush Commotion, will play a benefit show to help raise awareness about water heaters, and the threat they pose to society.