Story and Reporting by Andon Whitehorn
Photo Credits: Lost Weight Now I’m Not Ugly Photography
Record waves are crashing along the coast Lawdington Beach in Lulz County, Oregon, the likes of which denizens have never seen. Imagine, if you will, a series of riptides, with the way they move away and towards the beach. Now imagine them reaching nearly a quarter-acre into the sky, and stretching for what seems like literal miles, these waves appear to – amazingly – roll in place. Imagine, again, a lone man surfing masterfully atop the crest of these waves. Shouting incomprehensibly to the sky, one might think him the creator of such colossal breakers.
These assumptions would be correct (read: imaginary.) Sporting a mess of curls, necklaces made of mantric beads, and proclaimed “Terminator shades” and “short shorts,” this legendary surfer – Terry Blythe-Hart III – has not gone near the water in days - at least not in reality. Standing in a mess of fox feces of unknown origin, Blythe-Hart III is riding on an envisioned perpetual motion machine, fueled by a psychedelic mushroom bender from days prior. Blythe-Hart III could not be reached for comment when we tried to reveal to him his true whereabouts.
“I’d say I could ride this thing for about…ever….” It may not make much sense, but this is a typical response from the benign Blythe-Hart III. When asked how he knew he has been cutting this wave of his, he hauntingly answers “intuition,” as his grip tightens on his treasured “documents.” Included, is an old issue of Nintendo Power, as well select pages from what appears to be an issue of Auto Trader and various ads for local restaurants – all of it marred with red circles and illegible writings of a man clearly “off his fucking rocker.” “Do you, uh...” Terry begins, before losing himself in a haze of enlightenment.
“Jawsome!” - Blythe-Hart III
Frequenters of the boardwalk have become increasingly concerned by the ever-present Blythe-Hart III, who - for the aforementioned three days - has stood in the exact same place. The public has called for the police to step in and lend a hand, but local law enforcement says that their hands are tied. Citing that Blythe-Hart is neither endangering anyone, nor being destructive to property, they have no grounds on which to detain him. Police Chief Stanley Christiansen tells us, “We can’t arrest someone who is posing no threat to the public, solely for creeping the ‘begeezus’ out of people… but if we could….”
Banging pots – not always the best option.
Due to the lack of police action, local business owners have taken matters into their own hands, and are approaching the “Blythe-Hart situation” with methods similar to those of Mao Zedong’s “Great Sparrow Campaign” of the late ‘50s and early ‘60s. However, banging pots and pans only a few feet away from Blythe-Hart III has simply caused him to mumble “I understand completely,” or – more commonly – an awe-inspired “righteous.”These responses are often accompanied by I-get-it-type smiles, and the occasional reference to his housemates, who include Hangout, Mr. Macintosh, and Strong Arm, amongst others. While the legitimacy of these names is in question, there has been enough evidence gathered by attempted communications with Blythe-Hart III to validate their existence – though no one has ever seen him (Terry) entering or leaving the boardwalk. “He’s like the sound of an air conditioning unit,” quips Martha Delaney, owner of the Raffi Taffy Childhood Confectionery Outlet, “you don’t really notice it [Blythe-Hart III] until it’s gone.
“I know an internet or two....” – Blythe-Hart III
The occasional swagger from Blythe-Hart III gives hope to worried shop owners, but this is par for the expectations (or lack thereof,) of the “quiet riot,” as some have come to know him. Some have even come to accept him, citing an increase in tourism revenue during the summer months, or rather any month. “After a while, you kinda’ start to grow fond of ‘im. He never hurt no body,” claims Jared Columbian, a resident of Lawdington Beach, “and he’s great for takin’ pictures; he never moves.” He [Blythe-Hart III] is not without his uplifting moments, offering us this final gem:
“You haven’t lived a hard life,” Blythe-Hart III explains, tilting his sunglasses down his nose, ”until you’ve lived life hard.”
The occasional swagger from Blythe-Hart III gives hope to worried shop owners, but this is par for the expectations (or lack thereof,) of the “quiet riot,” as some have come to know him. Some have even come to accept him, citing an increase in tourism revenue during the summer months, or rather any month. “After a while, you kinda’ start to grow fond of ‘im. He never hurt no body,” claims Jared Columbian, a resident of Lawdington Beach, “and he’s great for takin’ pictures; he never moves.” He [Blythe-Hart III] is not without his uplifting moments, offering us this final gem:
“You haven’t lived a hard life,” Blythe-Hart III explains, tilting his sunglasses down his nose, ”until you’ve lived life hard.”
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