Dude Bro Comes Up With New Plan To Help Penis Grow

by Ryan Gaston

Area ‘Dude Bro’ Cecil McAbrams has spent the better part of his life compensating. Be it either by religiously following the daily results of TRL, so as to have an eccentric taste in music, or by being the first in line to see the latest in the “_______ Movie” franchise (i.e., Scary Movie, Epic Movie, etc.), with hopes of being the first to memorize the next wave of hilarious one-liners to sweep the nation, Cecil McAbrams has always done his best to ensure people notice him. McAbrams is a frequenter of his local gym, where his relentless upper body workouts have finally resulted in his goal of a 52 inch chest, while somehow still managing to maintain a 28 inch waist.

Despite all these things, however, McAbrams’ penis is still the same size as it was before becoming a ‘Dude Bro,’ and he still is not receiving the amount of attention from the ladies as he had hoped for. As a result, Cecil has decided to undertake an exciting new venture that he is calling “fool proof”: turning his car into a rice burner.

“Who doesn’t love a rice burner?” McAbrams asks. “I mean, it’s just an awesome thing to do to your car, and it always turns heads. The ladies love it. It’s a total panty dropper. Right, braugh?” When asked where the inspiration for this latest idea to increase his penis size came from, McAbrams cited his favorite classic movie of all time: The Fast & The Furious. “It gave me a lot of ideas, like maybe some ground effects, or some flames painted on the hood, and, like, a huge spoiler on the back, right braugh? Then I’m thinking about getting, like, a huge muffler to put on the back so EVERYONE can hear me coming,” he says with a laugh. “It’s gonna be sick, braugh!”

An example of what Cecil is hoping to convert his car into.

After going over several of his ideas, and asking for a high five after every one that came to mind, the cost of this roundabout endeavor of making his penis bigger began to sink in to Cecil. “I dunno, I guess I’ll just have to put things like hair gel and trips to Hollister on hold. I mean, there’s this new Ed Hardy shirt that I’ve been wanting to get that’s pretty rad that I might have to spring for. It’s got, like, a skull and eagle on it, but then there’s like this mermaid riding on a bobcat holding a torch with a handle made out of snake skin, and it has a frozen flame that is burning fire and ice. Sounds awesome, right?” he asked, once again raising his hand for another high five. “Yeah, there’s no way I can’t go get that shirt, dude. Girls go crazy for Ed Hardy stuff, right, braugh?”

When asked about some of his past trials to help pick up girls, which allegedly all failed, Cecil explained, “I grew my hair long, and nothing, braugh. Then I cut it short. Nothing. I’ve used every kind of hair gel I can get my hands on, and nothing does it.” He continued on, “This sea shell neckless had no effect at all,” he said referring to the white shells wrapped around his neck that is held together by some thin rope. “Then I got this witty trucker hat and stuck a fish hook on the bill, and still nothing. I just don’t get it, braugh.” Cecil went on to tell stories of hundreds of dollars spent at Abercrombie on tattered jeans and polo shirts, hours spent at the gym along with regular steroid usage, and most depressing of all, memorizing every line spoken by Tom Cruise from ‘Top Gun,’ none of which helped his penis to grow even an inch. “After winning dozens of games of beer pong did nothing for me, I realized I needed to go big, braugh. So now, I’m putting it all on the line here with this car, and you know why?!” he asked enthusiastically. “Because all I need... Is the need for speed!

HIGH FIVE, BRAUGH!!!”